Little Moments of Clarity 🥀

Little Moments of Clarity 🥀

It happens completely out of nowhere.

You’ve been living in this horrible fog for so long, you’ve accepted it as your normal. Even when depression isn’t demanding every last bit of energy from you, dragging you down into the darkest depths until you’ve forgotten what light felt like on your face, you’ve grown accustomed to the gray that layers itself over everything.

And then, suddenly, it clears up, just for a moment. Just long enough for you to feel the ground shift and see the colors rush back.

Oh.

This is what happiness felt like.

It always happens almost too quickly for me to understand what’s happening. I hold on to every second of it before it slowly fades back into gray and I’m left with so many questions. Mostly, why? Why now?

I try to keep track of these moments, try to make sense of their patterns and purpose. Sitting in the drive-thru at the Sonic somewhere in Missouri City, Texas, halfway between a bite and a laugh attack. Standing on the seemingly endless steps that probably lead to a temple somewhere in Nara, overlooking the matsuri below me and scoping out the takoyaki stands under a sky blazing purple and pink. Feeling something dark peel away from me as I look at my boyfriend over a tiny table at Bryant Park while he holds my hand and tells me about his creative work. The peace that washes over me as we watch the sunset from the river that evening, the pinks and purples reflecting in our glasses, a New York City day dissolving into the tranquility of that moment.

Oh. I’m alive.

I think depression makes you painfully aware of the feeling of barely being alive, but it’s not so obvious as the moment you realize you’re here. I still don’t know what to do with those moments. I absolutely despise the sensation of falling back into that gray, slowly, slowly, after finally being able to breathe just for a minute. It feels like cruelty to have normalcy dangled in front of my face only to be yanked away the second my fingers graze it.

But I’m also so thankful for those times. Not only because they’re a much-needed break, but because it’s proof that there is more than this. That horrible place where mental illness reigns is not my only destination. I’ve seen and felt that clarity before; it’s only a matter of time before I claim it.

xo,
nikkee💌

This is For You: A Love Letter to Myself

This is For You: A Love Letter to Myself

This is for you.

You, fourteen years old, in the aftermath of your first breakup (but certainly not your first heartbreak), becoming acquainted with the lonely white of your bathroom walls because they’re the only place to release your panic in peace. How many nights have you stayed up all night with your back pressed to the bathtub, a hardcover copy of Twilight in your hands, absorbing Bella’s world and wishing for a vampire boyfriend who would protect you instead of diminish your worth? How many times have you struggled to squeeze Breaking Dawn into the space between your desk and the tops of your thighs, trying to hide it from teachers and disappear into this world of fangs and immortality as you please?

I’m glad you had a place to tuck away your panic when the world pushed down on your chest dangerously. Continue reading “This is For You: A Love Letter to Myself”

Hello, World ♡

Hello, World ♡

Wow. This is unexpectedly terrifying.

I could be talking to the void right now, but let’s pretend for a moment that I’m not.

Hey, friends. I’m Nikki, and I have this weird fear of blogs. Keeping one is something I’ve always wanted to do, but even though I’ve been writing my whole life, something in my brain has been telling me that I could never do this. Why? Is it the formatting of it? The way blogs seem to have a different kind of life? Is it how people are (possibly) reading my words right now?

Whatever it is, I’m going to conquer it.

I set a goal for myself at the beginning of this year — to share some of my writing with the world outside my room. We’re nine months into 2018 and I have yet to do so. This is partially because I haven’t written as much as I’d like, and partially because I wasn’t sure what to share or where to share it. And to be honest, I’m not 100% positive of what I’ll be adding to this blog (reviews? travel posts? lists of the top three songs that made me cry uncontrollably that week?) but I know that if I want to share my writing, I have this as an option.

Another goal of mine was to get better at expressing myself. I often feel that my words are inadequate to what I’m feeling or really trying to say. Lately I’ve been thinking that this is just me censoring myself using insecurities, and I’d like to put a stop to that. I’ll never really improve unless I try, right?

So I guess that’s the point of this post right here: to make a starting point. I’ve already gotten this far, so why should I stop now that I’ve taken the first step?

I hope to have fun stuff up on this blog soon! If you’re reading this, if you’re following me, if you’re just passing through, I want to say thank you and I hope I’ll be seeing you around!! ♡