WWW Wednesday #8: October 30, 2019

WWW Wednesday #8: October 30, 2019

Happy day before the best night of the year ever, friends! WWW Wednesday is a weekly tag hosted by Taking on a World of Words, in which you answer the following three W’s:

🌿 What are you currently reading?
🌿 What have you finished reading recently?
🌿 What are you planning on reading next?

CurrentReading

Listen, when you need to, it’s important to put aside the things that threaten to put you into a reading slump. So I put aside The Beautiful and The Whisper Man for now, so I can come back to them when I feel less pressured and so I can focus on GOSAS. I’m also almost done with Sawkill Girls, which is a semi-buddy-read with my friend Ari!

FinishedRecently

I can’t believe I even finished anything this past week! My absolute fave of the bunch was Ninth House. I don’t know who I was so scared going into this! I also finished You (terrifying) and Magic in Manhattan, which is actually a compilation of two books in a series. Then I read Blackbird (😕) and Spell on Wheels (😍) and I feel like I’m finally getting back into a good reading spot!

ReadingNext

Truthfully, I’m not sure what I’m reading next, but I’m been itching to read Crier’s War, so that’s what I’ll say here 😋

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That’s all for today! I hope the week is treating everyone well and that if you celebrate, you have a happy and safe Halloween!

     xonikee1

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5 Things That Scare Me In Books

5 Things That Scare Me In Books

Hello, friends! Halloween is merely days away (finally!) and so today, I thought I’d go over 5 things that I look for in books when I want a good scare. This list is brought to you by Top Ten Tuesday, which was created by The Broke and the Bookish in June of 2010 and was moved to That Artsy Reader Girl in January of 2018. It was born of a love of lists, a love of books, and a desire to bring bookish friends together. As I feel most comfortable with smaller numbers, I’ll be making a top 5 instead.

TTT-NEW

5. El Cuco

I’ve been thinking about this one a lot because I was talking with Jesse over at Bowties & Books about the book Five Midnights. The story features el Cuco as the main villain, and I was incredibly excited to pick it up because of this. If you don’t know, he’s sort of like the Puerto Rican boogeyman. My behavior as a child could be corrected instantly with the threat of him. Unfortunately, the book didn’t really work for me, but I would be glad to pick up another horror with this creature.

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4. Supernatural Identity Theft

Someone recommended Netflix’s Haunted to me the other day because of a specific episode where a bunch of friends were tormented by something they called the Mimic. The episode itself was not very good in my opinion got me thinking about how horrifying that would be. Imagine thinking you’re seeing someone you care about, but it’s actually another being entirely? It could lure you into places you wouldn’t normally go. It could probably kill you. All it has to do…. is gain a little trust. This is also something that happens in my favorite horror movie, It Follows. I think that’s the part that made me the most paranoid, actually. How would you know that the person you’re seeing is real or not?

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3. Home Invasion

I don’t know if I’d say that I actively seek this one out. This one frightens me so much that I’m sure I’d have instant nightmares if I read too much of it. The thing is, I don’t even live in a full house. I haven’t in years. If someone broke into my apartment in the middle of the night, there’s nowhere I can really go because it’s so tiny (which I guess is frightening on its own). But the idea of thinking you hear somebody in the house but you have no idea where? That’s terrifying. Suddenly it’s like you’re playing a game for your life. Make the wrong move and enter the wrong move, and you’re dead.

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2. Ghosts / Poltergeists

This was very nearly my number one. Honestly, ghosts are much scarier to me than humans or even serial killers, because you have absolutely no idea what they can do. A serial killer has to find you in your hiding spot, but a ghost can just pop through the walls and be all, “You really thought I couldn’t see you there?” A human can harm you, yes, but a ghost has so many more ways to do it. Especially poltergeists! My favorite ghost series is the Bad Girls Don’t Die trilogy by Katie Alender, and the third book included a scene that frightened me enough to put the book down for a second and slowly back away to catch my breath.

I also want to note that new ghosts are much scarier to me than old ones. They know the way your mind works better and can mess with you that way.

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1. Shadows

Can you believe a shadow is what beat out a ghost? It may sound silly, but just the very idea of a shadow standing, immobile, in the corner of my room sends chills down my spine like you can’t even imagine. It’s something about the fact that you can’t see what’s there but you know that something is! You want to tear your eyes away from that spot of darkness, but you just can’t. And why are they just standing still like that? Gets me every time!!!!!

I even made up a game when I was a kid that I like to call Closer and Closer. You play with two people, on opposite sides of a room (one is preferably in bed, like in the horror movies). The person standing says “open” and “close”, and the other person opens and shuts their eyes accordingly. When their eyes are closed, the person on the opposite side of the room gets closer to the other. It’s always frightening. Always. I’ve tried playing it in school, in a classroom that wasn’t entirely dark because of a lack of proper curtains, while making funny sounds, and it’s always unnerving.

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That’s all for today! What are some of the scariest things for you to read about? Let’s talk about it~ Have a happy and safe Halloween (if you celebrate!) and I’ll see you soon!

     xonikee1

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WWW Wednesday #7: October 23, 2019

WWW Wednesday #7: October 23, 2019

Hello, friends! WWW Wednesday is a weekly tag hosted by Taking on a World of Words, in which you answer the following three W’s:

🌿 What are you currently reading?
🌿 What have you finished reading recently?
🌿 What are you planning on reading next?

CurrentReading

Ahahaha send help, I’ve hardly made progress on what I thought I would. But also, I’ve been in a reading slump that seems to be going away at least a little bit! I’ll be finishing Ninth House soon, at the very least.

FinishedRecently

pretty little liarsfixherup

All hail Fix Her Up for getting me out of a reading slump!!!

ReadingNext

you

No use in trying to jinx myself right? Anyway, I mean it this time!!! will have this book read the next time we meet here!

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That’s all for today! I hope everyone is having a fantastic reading week!

    xonikee1

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Review: Bad Romance by Heather Demetrios

Review: Bad Romance by Heather Demetrios

When you’re a stupid girl in love, it’s almost impossible to see the red flags. It’s so easy to pretend they’re not there, to pretend that everything is perfect.

You ever read a book that takes you back to your past and absolutely guts you? That’s how this book was for me. I read it over a year ago and have been thinking about it since. I’ve started this review a dozen times, but it was impossible to untangle this book from the pain of my own past.

So I won’t.

Bad Romance is about a girl named Grace who falls for a boy at school, Gavin, who changes her entire world — but for better or for worse? The book is about the abusive relationship that she finds herself in, and I’ve never read anything more true and painfully honest.

Grace is full of brightness and imagination. She’s fueled by dreams and passion that her precarious home life could never contain. Her stepfather and her mother are verbally abusive and she wants nothing more than to go far away to New York City and live the life she knows she’s destined for.

And then she meets Gavin.

Gavin, who is charming. Gavin, who is funny and understanding. Gavin, who has big emotions of his own. Grace is taken immediately. When they begin their relationship, she knows someone finally understands her. But it doesn’t take long for her to feel the squeeze of his controlling nature around her heart.

I’ll be frank. I saw so much of myself and my first relationship in this novel and that made it incredibly difficult to read at times. From the home life where Grace seemingly could do nothing right to the ways Gavin cut her down with the tiniest of remarks. But especially in Grace’s starry-eyed disposition that we see slowly dying out the longer the relationship went on. Right around the time that I’d read this novel, I found an old photo of myself just after I’d left the relationship this book was reminiscent of. I was struck by how small I looked. How delicate. How innocent. Why had I been so cruel to myself? I could see the weariness in my eyes, no doubt the result of the last few months of the relationship where I’d been told that I was worthless and that my partner should and would cheat on me.

I didn’t realize how much she’d cut me down over time.

Looking at pictures of myself at the beginning of high school compared to that moment just over a year later really reminded me how quickly and how easily our hearts can be broken without us even realizing it. Grace’s descent into pain and insecurity was all-too familiar to me. She’d gotten so caught up in Gavin that by the time she realized she was suffocating, she was trapped in Gavin’s misery.

You’re a maze, all high hedges and endless loops. I can’t find a way out, can’t see where I’ve been. It’s all running, lost in the dark of you. Trapped. Everywhere I turn is a dead end. I keep winding up back where I’ve started. 

It’s so hard when the person we care for is in pain, but even worse when you think you’re the cause of it. I truly thought I was responsible for her moods, for her anger, for her own insecurities. I was nothing more than a pawn in her game, and she adored playing. Because that’s what these relationships are about, at the end of the day: power. Gavin has survived a suicide attempt and this knowledge looms over Grace’s head when the relationship begins to turn sour. I have no doubt that Gavin did indeed suffer from depression, but I also know that he used his sadness to manipulate Grace into staying with him and doing what he wanted.

The novel is written between Grace’s accounts of the past and direct responses to Gavin as the relationship nears its end. It was so refreshing to see this format, because you’re given little snippets of Grace’s own power during her times of most pain. It’s like a reminder while reading that this is not the end. I thought it was a great way to keep the reader invested in the story while still giving the reader little breaks after being so wrapped up in Grace’s hurt.

The only complaint I had was that it seemed to go on for a bit longer than I would have liked. I understand that this is a precarious situation and things can’t be rushed, but I felt like I was in an endless cycle near the ending. On the other hand, this is also such an accurate representation of how tiring it can be when you’re trying to get out of something so horrible and are met with obstacle after obstacle.

This book was so gripping, emotional, and empowering. I found myself shaking at times and holding my breath at others. Even if you’ve never found yourself in a relationship like this one, I think Bad Romance is essential reading to understand the horrible intricacies that bring a person to their knees in the name of a blinding love. And if you have been in Grace’s shoes, I want you to know that you are worthy, and always will be, of so much more.

**Please be aware of content warnings for abuse, suicidal thoughts, and attempted suicide**

      xonikee1
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Little Moments of Clarity 🥀

Little Moments of Clarity 🥀

It happens completely out of nowhere.

You’ve been living in this horrible fog for so long, you’ve accepted it as your normal. Even when depression isn’t demanding every last bit of energy from you, dragging you down into the darkest depths until you’ve forgotten what light felt like on your face, you’ve grown accustomed to the gray that layers itself over everything.

And then, suddenly, it clears up, just for a moment. Just long enough for you to feel the ground shift and see the colors rush back.

Oh.

This is what happiness felt like.

It always happens almost too quickly for me to understand what’s happening. I hold on to every second of it before it slowly fades back into gray and I’m left with so many questions. Mostly, why? Why now?

I try to keep track of these moments, try to make sense of their patterns and purpose. Sitting in the drive-thru at the Sonic somewhere in Missouri City, Texas, halfway between a bite and a laugh attack. Standing on the seemingly endless steps that probably lead to a temple somewhere in Nara, overlooking the matsuri below me and scoping out the takoyaki stands under a sky blazing purple and pink. Feeling something dark peel away from me as I look at my boyfriend over a tiny table at Bryant Park while he holds my hand and tells me about his creative work. The peace that washes over me as we watch the sunset from the river that evening, the pinks and purples reflecting in our glasses, a New York City day dissolving into the tranquility of that moment.

Oh. I’m alive.

I think depression makes you painfully aware of the feeling of barely being alive, but it’s not so obvious as the moment you realize you’re here. I still don’t know what to do with those moments. I absolutely despise the sensation of falling back into that gray, slowly, slowly, after finally being able to breathe just for a minute. It feels like cruelty to have normalcy dangled in front of my face only to be yanked away the second my fingers graze it.

But I’m also so thankful for those times. Not only because they’re a much-needed break, but because it’s proof that there is more than this. That horrible place where mental illness reigns is not my only destination. I’ve seen and felt that clarity before; it’s only a matter of time before I claim it.

xo,
nikkee💌